Another Body Post

I am kind of depressed. Actually not really just feel like something is missing or should I say someone - Body. I went to this Christmas dinner yesterday and practically everyone there was boo'd up. It wasn't awkward -- the couples weren't all making out and being overly affectionate or anything -- but it was obvious that it was meant to be a couple's affair. Of course I ignored it and tried to be as social as possible --which isn't my personality. I really don't like to be the center of attention. I rather play a supporting role. Growing up I was a very shy kid -- WHY? -- Probably because I hate looking stupid and being laughed at so I would never talk about anything I don't know. Which meant if the topic of conversation is not something I am not familiar with then you wouldn't even know I was there -- I wouldn't join and ask questions; I would just sit in silence and observe everyone else. I've gotten better with time but at heart I am still the shy kid. If Body was at the party he would have been the center of attention. He can talk for days to any type of person about any subject. Its one of the things that amazes me about him. I guess we are polar opposites in that respect. 

Speaking of Body for the last couple of days he has been up my a$$ constantly sending me texts. It felt kind of good because we talked about a whole bunch of stuff that we should have talked about over the last few months. At the same time I felt kind of annoyed because I still don't know whats going on -- or went on. I could assume I am right and that he was cheating but I rather not ASSUME. Besides I know Body probably better than he knows himself and I know he cannot hold a lie. Every single time I thought he was lying and finally excepted what he said as the truth he breaks down within the next week or two with some long drawn out confession as to why he lied. Thus far its only been about little stuff like him forgetting to purposely leaving out information on things he did,  where he was going or what not. Now its different. Now it seems like he was actually living a "double" life and I am not going to accept what he is saying as truth. Plus I know it is a lie because he tried to get me to go over to his place by saying (let me quote this dude) --- "If you wanna know the truth come here and i'll tell you the truth" SMFH. Maybe I am being dramatic but I have never been in this kind of situation before -- I don't know how to deal.

He wants to spend New Years Eve together. I told him I would think about it but I know I don't want to be ringing in the New Years with a fraud (harsh much -- hmm I don'y think so).  Anyway we will see but before I go I wanna wish everyone a Blessed and Merry Christmas.

#thatsall

Know Your Role: Main Ting, Side Ting, Only Ting

I hate it when females say that you should accept the behavior of a man because "at the end of the day he is coming home to me". I'm sorry because that is the most pathetic thing I have heard in my life. There is no way in hell I am knowingly letting my man go out and dog me with any chick just because he comes home every night and lays his flee infested ass back in my bed. Sorry I am a firm believer in monogamy once that decision is made. If you make the decision to be in a relationship then respect it. With that said at the same time there is nothing wrong with playing the field. If you wanna see multiple people do not commit to anyone but yourself and make it clear to the people you are dating.

This brings me the whole main ting/side ting notion and to be clear its not only females who do this shit. I just come to realize a few of my guy friends are in the same kind of situation. They stay bitchin (for lack of a better term) that they are tired of playing around and want to commit to one girl. Problem is for whatever reason the girl is not tryna settle down. So instead of moving on, -- because they are clearly not happy with the "relationship" --, they fall into the roll of main ting justifying it the same way females do.

Again at the end of the day what you do with your relationship is your business. My point with this is simply to say stop gassing up your relationship as if it is something to be jealous about because it is not. Furthermore just in case its not clear being a "main ting" is not an accomplishment.. When you become the ONLY ting then start bragging.

#tobecontinued

The End of Body?... Probably

So Body is annoying me already. It has only been two weeks since we have broken up. Normally I wouldn't even say that we had broken up this soon seeing as this has been on and off for almost 5 years now but what has happened is the ultimate deal breaker for me. Seeing as I honestly believe he is outright lying to me too it makes it worst. 

Like I said in my last post about him over the years we both did some trifling things to each other. Original I decided to tell our whole story but I was thinking about that and it would take too many post. Anyway the beginning of the end of us started just before the summer of this year and again it happened at a club (honestly there is not much to do in this city but talk and party). It was one of my sister's birthdays and one of his boys birthday's so we didn't go to the party together not that we ever go to a club together anymore given there had been so much drama when we had (another story for another time). At this point we had been together for about 4 1/2 we had come to an understanding of how to act in parties. Basically he does NOT dance with anybody point final no discussion (nor do I). And before anyone starts assuming I'm insecure I want to say I'm not and this originally was his idea. In the past we used to do our own thing at parties when we did not go together. But it got to the point where it was beyond disrespectful. He used to really into Dance hall and grabbing chicks and daggering and all that junk and these fucking fast chicks would have nerve to be grabbing his dick and calling down his phone after the party as if they found love in the club. Just to say I'm no prude and I can differentiate between dancing and fucking and its one thing for a gal to push up on a dude in a club its another thing to the dude to let her man handle him and for him to reciprocate. Any who back to the point that night he reverted back to his old ways for no reason. He claims he was drunk but in the same breath he claims he doesn't drink. So I was just over it.. I can't even explain it. We have been so through much that this incident really shouldn't have been the end but I guess it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Anyway I flipped a gasket by going off on him and one of his groupies. All for her to say:

"Are you his girl.. Cause he doesn't even claim you.."

BUT WAIT.. I was stopped in my tracks.. I look at him and ask him 2 questions -- am I your girl? Do you claim me.?

Body replies: get out of my face-- you're acting like a fool.

Ah okay okay I see how it is I was thinking to myself. I left the club saw the groupie and apologized basically because everyone was already talking and truth be told I should have never said anything to her. In the whole time we were together I never even talk to any of his groupies because I have too much class for that ish. I was not in a relationship with any of those girls so normally they were irrelevant. But this one in particular irks my nerve to the fullest and there is a background story as to why. So remember Free who's best friend that had a fling with Body, yeah so that's the groupie I am talking about let's call her, Frenemy --- because I really don't have a name for her and that's all that comes to mind at this moment, and she is good friends with quite a few people in my family ironically.

Body claims that Frenemy is his best friend that is a girl. Okay. He says when he needs advice about us he goes to her. Okay. He claims nothing went on between them they are just friends. Okay.... So how is it that I find out through an argument we had that he actually tried to get with her before me and him even started dating and that he told her he loves her.

BUT WAIT..

I thought nothing ever happened. I thought they were just friends. Now to find out he loves the chick or loved the chick. WHATEVER.. Because of that she was always suspect to me. He was just as suspect to me too when it came to her. Anyway she moved away that is the only reason we survived but she comes back often and on a few occasions there were lies by omission involving her and him which made it even more suspect.

Anyway what was the point of all this again. *Scrolls up* So I apologized to her and didn't talk to Body for a good 2 - 3 months. It was hard to come to the realization that he didn't claim me. He didn't claim me. He didn't claim me. I spent weeks fixated on that which made me resent him. Not to brag or anything but I hold my own in the looks department (yes I said it - Suck my cockiness lick my persuasion) and my body is one to be envied thanks to the fact that I was highly involved in extracurriculars (track, basketball, soccer) through high school and college. Not to mention get many offers from very fuckable eligible bachelors wanting to get with me on a regular basis. Furthermore I already have a a college degree and I was soon to be done a university degree.. My future is set. Also I have a good paying job, I've got my own and don't rely on him to pay for everything anything we were pretty balanced in that respect. Suffice to say I know I am a fucking catch and finding out that he wasn't did a number on my ego for a few weeks (and it's true he admitted it by saying he didn't want people in his business -___- ) and I really wanted nothing to do with him or with any guy for that matter.

Anyways I unintentionally went celibate for those months.. The longest I've been that dry since becoming sexually active (lol tmi I know). After a while we got to talking and somehow got back together again but I was not the same. Different vibe, much less communication, the sex was unbelievably amazing though so we ignored the rest.


All this to say the day that it all went downhill was two weeks ago. I slept over at his house. He works early in the morning so when I stay over he lets me sleep in and I would just leave when I feel like it. Anyway as I was collecting my stuff I accidentally knocked over my pill bottle off his dresser (and I hoped I can describe this vividly enough so ya'll understand). He has a 6 drawer dresser in his room and he never closes the drawers properly. It usually annoys me to no end because it really is not that hard to close you dresser drawers and be neat in general. So I was picking up the pills off the floor and I thought some may have fallen through a crack in a drawer -- honestly I learned my lesson a long time about snooping though his shit and would never do it again (another story for another time) I just needed to get the pills it wasn't prescription I could just go and refill  --. So I opened the drawer to be sure there weren't anymore and I saw some chicks panty, washcloth and tank top, and tooth brush. Basically this nigga had the nerve to give a trick a drawer. Fact is when I confronted him he says it belongs to his cousin. -___________-

I could get into the confrontation but basically he contradicted himself and backed himself into a corner. So I don't know what happened or who it belongs to but I am fairly certain what he told me about it belonging to his cousin is a lie. And the way I feel now I am pretty sure we are done. But yesterday and today he is annoying me to no end. Every time something happens and he knows it is his fault he has this tendency to be all up under my A$$. Asking me to chill, trying to take me out and trying to buy me shit. Like fall back n***a and leave me alone and let me get over it or take a hint and move on. This time he should be doing the latter because until I get the real story from him about what I saw in his drawer I will forever be annoyed with him and we will be stuck in this limbo. And yesterday he actually had the nerve to tell me I am wasting his time... lol I think he is in denial.


#thatsall

Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life

Before getting into this I want to say that I am by no means an expert on this subject and the views expressed are entirely my own. They may even be a little ignorant as I did not research my opinion but instead formulated it on my own.


With that said I am pro choice. I think every woman should have the right to choose. I don't say that because I had an abortion of my own. In all honesty for a long time I was ashamed that I did have an abortion. To this day no one but Body and 2 of his friends knows that I had an abortion and the reason I was ashamed was because I used it as a form of contraception. I was so careless and ignorant and got what was ultimately coming to me. At the same time I wouldn't change what happen. It was a learning experience and all that good stuff.


The reason I am pro choice is because sometimes there are circumstances beyond a woman's control that cause her to become pregnant. For example why should a woman who was raped be forced to have her rapist baby? Why should that .0000001% (or whatever the statistic is) force you to have a baby when you are fully protected (condom and contraception)? Why can't a woman, who can't even take care of herself, make that one responsible decision to not have the baby? I could go on for days but the fact of the matter is sometimes abortion is the best choice.


And I hate to hear the argument that some people can't have kids so why don't you give it up. Sorry but there are already thousands if not millions of orphans all around the world. If that person really wanted a baby they would go and adopt one regardless of race, religion or anything.. Don't guilt trip women into having babies with that.


#thatsall

Introducing Body - Pt. 1

I feel like I should share this now because until I meet someone new I know this dude will be one of the focuses of my blog, let's call him Body - because he has a hell of a body, picture a tall dark skin brother no tats with abs like Tyrese Gibson, decent face and a crazy sex game. Anyway Body and I were in an on again off again relationship (if you can even call it that) for the last 5 years, we began dating when I was 18. In the first couple of years we both did our fair share of dirt to each other and honestly I think that is a part of why it lasted so long.

The first year of our relationship I was the one who was trifiling. I was not very experience and suddenly I was getting all this attention from men boys that I didn't know what to do. I wasn't a virgin or a prude but I had only fuck one guy and that was just to get over the whole virginity thing (that's another story for another time). While with Body I would let men boys take me out and buy me things. I would tease them by dancing all provocatively in the club (in my hometown you are fully legal to do everything at 18) and give them the idea they could get more. Honestly it was all a game to me and I was having the time of my life until one day it all got exposed. Usually once it came to the point of them wanting to do anything more than flirt, hug or a double cheek kiss I would cut them off cold turkey because I was with Body and being faithful was extremely important to me even though my image did not portray that.

So like I said one day it all caught up to me. During the summer Body and I had only been together maybe 7-8 months and I got pregnant. We used protection occasionally but recently had started relying on the pull out method more and more often (I was young and stupid don't even question it). I wasn't on the pill or any type of contraceptive, and we had both been tested so I was naive to believe it would never happen to me. I would never have an unplanned pregnancy that kind of thing only happened to hoodrats in my mind. However regardless of my thoughts we had already talk about that subject and I told him I would not be having kids until after I was done school and we seemed to be in agreement. So when I missed my period Body and I were not on speaking terms because of some silly argument we had. At first I didn't even think anything of it because I was irregular back then it was almost normal for me to go 6 weeks without having a period but when it came it came hard for like a week and a half. Anyway back to the story I wanted a reason to talk to Body so I called him and told him what was up -- at this point I didn't think I was pregnant but that reason to talk to him was better than apologizing for whatever our argument was about -- Our conversation went something like this:

Body: Hello... I'm at work, why are you calling?
Me: I'm late...
(long pause or it at least it felt like it)
Body: Did you take a test?
Me: No
Body: So take a test and call me back, *click, hangs up phone*

I remember it felt so so so good to hear his voice it had been almost a month since I had last heard it. Anyway I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. I didn't believe it. I took a second test it came back with the same result. I still didn't believe it. The third test was the same. I went to the clinic now nervous because I was so confident that this would not happen to me, I would not get pregnant, but it was hard to ignore three test. Suffice to say the Doctor said the same thing. Anyway I didn't even call Body back right away, while at the clinic I had already scheduled the appointment for the abortion for the next week. Then I went home and cried myself to sleep for the whole weekend.

Body called me 3 days later I told him what it was he didn't even question me. I am sure he heard it in my voice how disappointed I was but he wanted to talk about what we were going to do. I headed over to his house and told him there was nothing to talk about. We had already had the conversation and agreed to have an abortion if it ever happened and I told him I had already scheduled it. He didn't say anything, he tried to console me as I really could not stop crying. We ended up having sex -- if you can call it that I was so tense and it was so uncomfortable, probably the worst sex we ever had.

Now that you have all that background. Throughout the whole process Body was very careful with me, attentive and supportive (made me subconsiously think maybe I should keep it -- ahh No). He picked me up in the morning in a taxi we went to the appointment he sat with me in the waiting room. Right before I went in to get it done asked me if I was sure about this I responded yeah of course.  - - Honestly I don't even remember getting it done, I think I have blocked out that memory. - - When I came out I felt fine, I was a bit emotional but fine. Body was acting weird. He was standoff ish and didn't even look me in the face. I called his name and he ignored me. BUT WAIT WTF happened to the sensitive, supportive man I just spent the last week with??? I was able to leave right away since I wasn't showing any side effects so we left. As soon as we got outside Body just kept walking full on ignoring me and I just could not keep up. I hopped in a taxi and went home. I didn't even bother call him.

Anyway 4 weeks go by and I have yet to hear from him. I go to this party and I get wasted, like almost white girl wasted minus the vomit and bad dancing. I see this guy that I used to let take me out and we get to talking and we kissed, let's call him Felon - because back then he was sweet but now he is a felon (another story for another time). At the time it was just a kiss for me nothing special and I felt guilty because I still wanted Body even though he was missing in action and a complete douche bag for how he was acting towards me. At the same time having someone tell me how much they want me felt good too. 

The next weekend was labour day weekend. I did not care to go out or do anything but there was this huge party going on and I knew that Body would be there. So I went with my sister, dressed to impress, and planned to ignore him the whole time. When I got there best believe I was on point -- nails done, hair done, everything did. Body was there with his crew looking like sex which made it hard for me to ignore him but I was able to do so as Felon was also there so I focus my attention on him to irk Body's nerve and it was obvious that he was bothered. But he didn't do or say anything. Anyway at the end of the night I am not the type to hang around a club. I like to get my people and hop in a taxi right away but I couldn't do this that night as Body decide to finally talk to me. He went on by saying how he was sorry and he missed me and had nerve to asked me what I was doing with Felon blah blah blah. There was no way in fucking hell my business would be exposed in public like that so I told him to call me the next day. He did.

We discussed all of our issues and why he acted the way he act. In short he thought that if I saw how supportive he was I would not go through with the abortion. Apparently he does not believe in them and only agreed to it to avoid the conversation. REAL MATURE? Anyway we got back together after a few weeks not that we ever really broke up. While we were working it out I still let Felon take me out and I never fully disclosed what happened with Felon. Body knew I kissed someone and I left it at that I did not see the need to name names. Plus Body and Felon already had this weird tension. They used to play basketball together and just did not get along. Of course they played it cool when they saw each other. But I didn't want to give Body a reason to really dislike Felon.

Fast forward a few months just before Christmas actually Felon main chick, let's call her Free -- because anyone and I truly mean anyone could take a ride for free (another story for another time) -- told Body about me and Felon not that there was anything to tell but she did find some pictures and made up some stories to go with it. Anyways Free and Body were friends. Well I wouldn't say friends but they knew each other and Body actually had a fling with her best friend (again another story for another time). Joke is though at this point I hadn't talk hung out with Felon for a while we still talked though. Anyway Body did not take it well and the fact that I hung out with other guys that he didn't know about came out so basically it was a messed up situation and we broke up because he could not handle it. Or I should say he chose not to believe I was only using these dudes and not fucking them. We still talked once in a while and we still fucked once in a while but it was no longer a relationship. More like a booty call. I was okay with that for the time being. 

So how should I begin this....?

I am going to be 23 in just about a month and I am bored with life. WHY? you ask... Well I am recently single and I know a lot of people but don't have many close friends. I am in University and I guess I should be proud that I will be graduating next year but honestly I hate my program and it leads to a career working in an office 9-5 and plenty overtime which I am not looking forward to either. I live in Montreal which fairly decent size town but the black community is so small/wack to say the least.


Regardless of all that I feel that right now is the perfect time to reinvent myself, follow my heart to get what I need to be HAPPY. I spent most of the last five years relying on my MAN to be happy which was a mistake in itself. We started dating right after high school and I made the one MISTAKE most females make when going into a relationship. I started to ignore my friends and be all about my MAN. By the time I realized what I was doing it was too late. My friends and I no longer had much in common but I still had my MAN so I didn't really make much effort to fix things. Plus I have a lot of siblings so hanging out with them filled my social void.  


Otherwise this blog will just be a place for me to rant and share my little stories on the changes I will be making and random things I witness or that irk my nerve. In all honesty it will be irrelevant but I hope to make people laugh at my expense every once in a while. Naturally I am not an open book so maybe this will help me be more expressive in my personal life Et cetera Et cetera... Anyway I feel like I am rambling but it is what it is.. Enjoy and comment