Updates

Long time no blog. The last few weeks have been hectic with the end of semester and all. I blocked out everything that was going on outside of school but once it was done I finally took the time out to think about things and realized that I am good. But here is an update on how things have been for me:

-I’m officially single (Facebook official and everything lol). I harbor no ill feelings towards he who shall not be named and it helps that I barely see him. Montreal is small but it seems huge when you want to avoid someone. Truth be told though, we were never on the same page and in our own ways we were probably holding each other back.

-I’m not trying to mingle. I don’t have any prospect right now even if I was trying to. I have been extremely focused and anti-social lately. I am surprisingly happy with being alone right now.

-I have learned to drive stick. I had Trackstar teach me. It was pretty interesting and he was so intense; I guess he thought I was going to crash his car. But I think I’ve mastered it and right on time cause I am looking to buy a new car and when I browse through the listings stick is always cheaper than automatic.

-Oh yeah by the way I am not cutting my hair. That was a bad idea for me to begin with not sure where my head was at when I said that. Short hair don't does care lol.

#thatsall

A promise is a comfort to a fool...

You know that moment when you are afraid to get close to someone because you are afraid that ultimately they will be the ones to hurt you. And then they assure you that they will never hurt you intentionally and "promise" to be there for you through thick and thin. Then you let your guard down and everything seems to go well until you need that person and they are not there like they "promised". 

Yeah well that "promise" was tested between me and Body quite often since the beginning of the year mostly by him. I was there. But when it came time for him to be there for me he was not. I can't even begin to put it into words what happen, in all honesty I have been trying to write this post for a while but could not find the words. I still cannot find the words, all that I know is that I cannot believe how wrong I was about him.

I feel like just two weeks ago I was on cloud 9 and now I am free falling to my death. 


In the words of my father "A promise is a comfort to a fool..." (way before Sean Paul ever said it). I should have know better.

#thatsall 

Lists: I Will Never Date

Like most women I used to have a list of what I want in a man ideally. But I came to the realization that that list was  ABSOLUTELY pointless and it was like I was deliberately setting myself up for disappointment because no one person was ever going meet all the criteria I had set. So I made another list. A short 5 point list it is more like a deal breaker list, a list of things that I would not accept from a guy right now while I am young and have yet to reach my peak in terms of sex, education, looks and the works. So here it is my I Will Never Date List:

1. A father.

- I realize as I get older and if I am still single I may have to remove this from the list but right now I honestly think I am too young to deal with baby momma drama. I don't want to come second to anybody and at the same time I won't make him chose between me and taking care of his kid. Dead beat dads are the worst. Also if and when I have a kid I want it to be a first time experience for the both us. 

2. A Druggie or Alcoholic.

-If a guy does drugs or drinks alcohol that is his business. But to do it on everyday basis is a NO no for me. Ideally I would want him not to do drugs at all and ever and not to drink in excess. There is a lot more to life then sitting around chilling, drinking and doing drugs.

3. A fat man.

-There is nothing sexier than a guy who is in shape with washboard abs, chest and back muscles and the works. At the same time I would date someone who is not in great shape who has a great personality. However no amount of personality can make up for a double chin and beer belly (how shallow is this lol). But I can't help it it is how I feel.

4. A man with a hygiene problem.

-First off I've been told I am OCD when it comes to this. But I honestly don't think it is too much to ask to be hygienic. I am extra sensitive to scent be it good or bad and I feel shouldn't have to remind him to shower, to wear clean clothes, to brush his teeth etc. I date men not boys and I won't mother them. 

5. A man who is related to an Ex or dated one of my family members.


-Its all about respect even if we don't talk anymore. I would be pissed off if anyone of my family members dated my Ex and I would not do it either. It would make me think did they want him while I was with him?

In general that's it. If I am still single in my late 30s maybe I will drop point 1 and point 3 off the list. But the rest will stand forever. 


#thatsall

On to the next

I have decided to drop TrackStar as a possible friend with benefit. He is good looking and all but I can't knowingly mess with anyone's relationship even if at the moment it seems like he is just not that into her. He has been a little too reckless with his words about her lately (not that I ask he just seems to have verbal diarrhea ever since he admitted he had a girl and can't stop bringing her up). But at the same time he is probably crawling into her bed and telling her he loves her. I am so turned off but it is probably better this way.  


There are a few other fish in the sea (none worthy of a post or even a name yet) and even if there were not I feel wrong pursuing anything with him. Regardless I am not going to come second to any woman in a man's life (well except maybe his mother). So for the time being TrackStar and I will just be friends without any benefits if he can handle it. If not I am going to get a few more training sessions in and then it's adios.

#ontothenext

Hindsight is 20/20

TrackStar has a girl, that he is clearly not happy with, but nonetheless he has a girl. I wasn't too surprise when I found out -- lol -- who am I kidding I was surprised as fuck. The way he talks texts he makes it seem like he is so lonely. He says he is either always at work or at home watching a movie alone. He says that he is looking for someone special -- he could be out playing games but he has been there done that. Uh huh.

So basically we have been texting back and forth over the last month or so (remember I said he says he doesn't like talking on the phone *rolls eyes*) lately more than before like everyday sometimes twice a day. He continued to ask me out on a date and after telling him where I stood in the sense that I am not trying to jump into a relationship I accepted because he seemed to understand.

Side note: I met TrackStar in the summer on campus at the gym. He works there as a personal trainer. After a bit of flirting I gave him my number because he offered to train me for FREE (couldn't pass that up) but our schedules never really matched so it never happened. I was also really into Body (times were good) so even though we flirted it would have never been more than that at that time. I seen him on campus again in November/December and that is when we started talking again.

So he finally calls me (#surprisesurprise he knows how to use his cell for something other than text) to set up the details of this date. We talk for a bit. Honestly I was kind of distracted. I was in the middle of reading a paper or something when he called so I wasn't giving him my full attention and then he is like "I'm free Feb 11th but we could see each other before either on campus or at your place" (I hate when people try to invite themselves over to my place -- but that is another story for another time). I tried to cut the call short and was like "sure its a date I'll talk to you later" and he said something along the lines of "yeah if you want I'm just trying to be a good friend". -- BUT WAIT -- I snapped out of what I was doing and started to think of what we were talking about. The first thing that struck me was the date -- Feb 11th. At the time that was 2 1/2 weeks almost 3 weeks away -- why would anyone schedule a date that far in advance especially when its not something overly special? The second thing was his line "trying to be a good friend" wtf did that mean? I didn't know but I didn't question him.

So yesterday I went to the gym on campus to finally take him up on a free training session (he kicked my butt I can't even walk without a limp today). Afterwards he drove me home and we had a conversation the whole way back it was kind of refreshing having a normal convo with him. But at the same time something seemed off. I can't explain it. Anyway he texted me when he got home and then everything made sense:

TrackStar: "I like you. So I have to be honest. I am seeing someone else."
Me: "We aren't together you can see who you want.. Does she know about me?"
TrackStar: "You don't get it. I have a girl."

10 mins no reply

TrackStar: "I hope we can still have our date and chill some more."
Me: "I don't know about alla that. We will talk. Goodnight."

Suffice to say now everything makes sense. Hindsight is 20/20. Like why he doesn't like talking on the phone. And why he schedule the date weeks in advance. And why he repeatedly insist he is trying to be a good friend. I don't think I could be the other woman even though there is something about this guy. Or maybe it is just LUST.

#thatsall

What to do...

Body is still in the picture. He is so charming when he isn't getting any. Lol. Lately its been good the phone conversations and random cute text messages. Makes me almost forget why we broke up. But then when I'm not talking to him I remember and I dwell on it. Not really dwell but I think about it and something in my gut tells me that there is something wrong. I start asking questions like: why did he take so long to tell me something so basic? Why did he think I was going to get mad about his explanation? 

I know I could come off as hard sometimes especially when I am questioning anyone about anything. But at the same time I will listen to what you have to say before jumping to my final conclusions. Anyway he keeps wanting to take me out and wanting to hang out but I keep saying NO. Not because I don't want to.. (Trust me I realllllllly really want to) but because of this gut feeling that I can't shake.

This girl I know that just went through a similar situation (actually its not at all similar she was looking for something - she went through her mans phone and found it) and found some ish that essentially proved he was cheating (pictures, convos - the usual I would think when you go through someones phone). She took him back though and after the make up period was done he quickly went back to his old ways. And to make it worst this time he got another chick pregnant with twins.  Womp. Womp. Suffice to say they are done now. But she could have avoided the heartbreak if she stuck to her initial gut feeling.

I think that is my ultimate fear to forgive and then get played even worst.  I miss him. I want to let him wine and dine me especially with my birthday coming up I think I deserve to feel special for at least that day.

Here is my dilemma though. There is another dude I've been stringing along entertaining its been strictly text message though which is kind of annoying (apparently he does not like talking on the phone -- I really find that weird) but my point is he has potential - tall dark handsome athletic and educated. I've been declining coming up with excuses not to go out with him. Based on his texts I know he is looking for something serious.  But I also know I'm not the only one he is texting but he is looking to settle down. To be honest right now I'm not interested in something serious. So I should just let him go right?

At the same time right now I'm going through a little dry spell. I know I could hold out more it has been less than a month but still sex on the regular keeps me sane. I was thinking of letting Body get another taste (I know him, I know ill have fun, I know it will be good) but I know myself and I know with him I would not be able to have emotionless sex with him. Whereas with new dude I know if I let him take me out and things go well I could do that but I don't want him to get attached. Problem is I know he is not on the same page as me so it would be kind of fucked up right? Plus I have already been through that friends - with - benefits - gone - wrong thing and dude turned into a stalker (another story for another time) and I am really not trying to go through that again.

#DecisionsDecisions 

Friends? Pt. 2

A few year after high school things started to derail. In the beginning it was fine I started dating Body and one of my girl best friend (from hear on out referred to as Bestie) started dating one of Body's cousins and the other girl best friend (from hear on out referred to as Girly) had already been dating another one of Body's cousins on and off for 5 years who is one of the dudes I considered to be my BFF (actually he is the one who introduced me and Body -- more like set us up but that's another story for another time and from hear on out referred to as Buddy). There were a lot of triple dates and group hangs. Essentially I was always with 3 of my 4 best friends. Suffice to say that summer was epic then things stop. Then each couple started to have their own problems and then individually people started to have issues too.


Body started to have problem with me and Buddy being so close because he didn't want his family to know our business and if they did he wanted to be the one to tell them. Meh - I could understand that but being who I am I didn't cut off Buddy. Just the things we talked about was less Body related. It was hard to completely omit him from our convos.  Then one night after yet another party Body and I got into a little argument so I let Buddy drive me home. During the car ride someone was ringing down Buddy phone and I turned mine off. We talked he dropped me home and I went to bed. The next afternoon I turn on my phone I have a couple of voicemails and a long A$$ text message from Buddy basically saying that Body thought we hooked up.  --- Say What? --- I didn't even take it serious until I spoke to Body. I guess everyone was looking for us and we were nowhere to be found and we weren't answering our phones. Meh - I could understand how a basic mind would jump to that conclusion but I thought people or at least Body and Girly at this point knew us better than that. We never hid our friendship and in all honesty I could have never hooked up with Buddy partly because physically I was not attracted to him, partly because he was Girly's boo aka my other BFF. Anyway with time the jealously just got worst by mainly Girly but Body as well so to keep them happy we kept our distance and now 5 years later we just don't talk unless we see each other randomly then it is like old times - we simply grew apart.


Girly and I became friend by essentially being involved in the same things.  We were both heavily involved in sports and a friendship was born. Me already being good friends with her then boyfriend I think it was natural for her to get close to assess if there was any threat lol. I really liked her as a person that's why I never cut her off for tryna be sneaky and FAQ-ing my friendship with Buddy. During the whole Buddy situation I never heard a word from her. She chose to believe what was in her head. She was never women enough to even ask me. She started facebooking and saying some really horrible things about me. Exposing things I told her in confidence and basically acting childish. Anyway I had to confront her to nip that shit in the bud. Turns out in her twisted mind it was her way of dealing. She was insecure as fuck. Before then I never seen that side of her and we had been friends for a good 3-4 years. Anyway after this it was clear we weren't as good of friends as I thought. I could not cut her off so I made an effort to try make plans with her but she'd always cancel or something would come up. She was not my man I didn't need to be chasing her so eventually we grew apart.  But when her and Buddy were on a break she would make a guest appearence in my life so we were still friends on a superficial level until her and Buddy got back together. Then when they finally called a quits for good she really tried to make things better. I entertained her of course and finally told her it would never be like it was. So our friendship to this day continues on a superficial level.


Bestie and my fall out happened a bit differently. She was my go to person when I was having issues with Body. She knew A to Z what was going on with us from the beginning. She was always quick to give advice I would listen but not necessarily take it. Anyway after a while she started to turn on Body, asking me why I was with him and telling me I should leave him etcetera. When she saw him she would no longer say hi. It was just kind of weird cause she knew Body longer then me and they were friends or so I thought. Anyway fast forward several months I kept hearing this annoying noise on my computer and I couldn't place it (I always have so many windows and applications open on my laptop even if I'm not using it). Anyway I started to close the windows/tabs one by one until I found the one where the noise was coming from. It was Body Facebook Chat.. He forgot to log out and a few people were trying to talk to him one of them being Bestie. Normally I would have just logged out but it peaked my curiousity like why is Bestie talking to him when she makes it a point to act like she doesn't like him in public. Pretty shady no? I thought so. So I open the chat.


Hello!!! :)
What's up?
What's going on?
Why would you talk to me?
Is this about what I said?


All the messages from her about 10 mins apart. I remember sitting there for almost half an hour contemplating whether I should answer and pretend I was him. I ultimately decided not to do that it was not worth it. But I did check his messages.   There were several messages from her from even before she started acting like she didn't like him.  TALKING pure SHIT. Telling him things I told her about him and basically telling him that he should leave me. Playing both sides. The most recent conversation wasn't that old and it basically said she didn't talk to him in public because she knows how jealous I could get. -___-  and in the same breath saying she knows she could do him better.  Anyway I didn't even bother to confront her I just cut her off without saying a word. As a friend I knew she was going through some serious shit in her life at that time and for me it was better to just cut her off than to confront her on some irrelevant ish. Body was not entertaining her that's all that mattered to me.


The other best friend that was a guy is so irrelevant that I'm not even going to name him. In short he started dating my sister, slowly started treating her like shit. She could not let go of his sorry A$$ and it got to the point where she was disturbing everyone's life in our household by crying every single day and night for about 5 months straight.  She was skipping work and ish. It just got ridiculous. I think it was inevitable that I would have stop being friends with him after they started dating. How can I stay friends with someone who has no respect for my family? Regardless of that he changed anyway, started trying to be a "G" got involved with some fucked up people. Owed the wrong people money and apparently had a death threat on his life.


All in all by the time I was 21 I was over all of this. I tried to rebuild my relationships with all these people except the last dude I just spoke about but is was too late we had already grown too far apart. In general I met new people but they all ended up letting me down (or proving me right which ever way you want to look at it). So maybe I lied in my last post I do use the term "friend" lightly but at the end of the day I expect them to do me wrong. 


#thatsall

Friends? Pt. 1

I try not to use that term very lightly because I really don't consider anybody I associate with to be a friend. Most of my friendships are very superficial meaning maybe we will go out to a club, talk about school and the weather and random things in popular media. Maybe we will talk about each others relationships but only about the good things and gossip about what's going on with different people in the city -- like who is pregnant now (lol it is a real epidemic right now I swear there is a baby boom in Montreal). It really depends on who you are to be honest and where you fall on my list of "friends". Maybe that sounds kind of fucked up I don't know but at the end of the day all I have is my family I could careless for friends.

Growing up especially going to school I was involved in a lot of extra curriculars and knew a lot of people. I honestly and truely consider nearly everyone to be my friend. Not necessarily my good friend but I built different levels of friendship most of them leaving me vulnerable in one way or another. At times I did feel uneasy but at the same time I was very naïve and never even considered that people have their own motives and reasons to be talking to me. Or that they would maliciously use things I told them in confidence to their own advantage. Anyway when I graduated high school I had 4 people I considered to be my Best friends - 2 girls and 2 dudes. I was loyalty to a fault when it came to them. I would have done anything for them under the assumption that they would do the same. They knew the intimate details of my life and I thought I knew the same about them.

#tobecontinued

Another Body Post

I am kind of depressed. Actually not really just feel like something is missing or should I say someone - Body. I went to this Christmas dinner yesterday and practically everyone there was boo'd up. It wasn't awkward -- the couples weren't all making out and being overly affectionate or anything -- but it was obvious that it was meant to be a couple's affair. Of course I ignored it and tried to be as social as possible --which isn't my personality. I really don't like to be the center of attention. I rather play a supporting role. Growing up I was a very shy kid -- WHY? -- Probably because I hate looking stupid and being laughed at so I would never talk about anything I don't know. Which meant if the topic of conversation is not something I am not familiar with then you wouldn't even know I was there -- I wouldn't join and ask questions; I would just sit in silence and observe everyone else. I've gotten better with time but at heart I am still the shy kid. If Body was at the party he would have been the center of attention. He can talk for days to any type of person about any subject. Its one of the things that amazes me about him. I guess we are polar opposites in that respect. 

Speaking of Body for the last couple of days he has been up my a$$ constantly sending me texts. It felt kind of good because we talked about a whole bunch of stuff that we should have talked about over the last few months. At the same time I felt kind of annoyed because I still don't know whats going on -- or went on. I could assume I am right and that he was cheating but I rather not ASSUME. Besides I know Body probably better than he knows himself and I know he cannot hold a lie. Every single time I thought he was lying and finally excepted what he said as the truth he breaks down within the next week or two with some long drawn out confession as to why he lied. Thus far its only been about little stuff like him forgetting to purposely leaving out information on things he did,  where he was going or what not. Now its different. Now it seems like he was actually living a "double" life and I am not going to accept what he is saying as truth. Plus I know it is a lie because he tried to get me to go over to his place by saying (let me quote this dude) --- "If you wanna know the truth come here and i'll tell you the truth" SMFH. Maybe I am being dramatic but I have never been in this kind of situation before -- I don't know how to deal.

He wants to spend New Years Eve together. I told him I would think about it but I know I don't want to be ringing in the New Years with a fraud (harsh much -- hmm I don'y think so).  Anyway we will see but before I go I wanna wish everyone a Blessed and Merry Christmas.

#thatsall

Know Your Role: Main Ting, Side Ting, Only Ting

I hate it when females say that you should accept the behavior of a man because "at the end of the day he is coming home to me". I'm sorry because that is the most pathetic thing I have heard in my life. There is no way in hell I am knowingly letting my man go out and dog me with any chick just because he comes home every night and lays his flee infested ass back in my bed. Sorry I am a firm believer in monogamy once that decision is made. If you make the decision to be in a relationship then respect it. With that said at the same time there is nothing wrong with playing the field. If you wanna see multiple people do not commit to anyone but yourself and make it clear to the people you are dating.

This brings me the whole main ting/side ting notion and to be clear its not only females who do this shit. I just come to realize a few of my guy friends are in the same kind of situation. They stay bitchin (for lack of a better term) that they are tired of playing around and want to commit to one girl. Problem is for whatever reason the girl is not tryna settle down. So instead of moving on, -- because they are clearly not happy with the "relationship" --, they fall into the roll of main ting justifying it the same way females do.

Again at the end of the day what you do with your relationship is your business. My point with this is simply to say stop gassing up your relationship as if it is something to be jealous about because it is not. Furthermore just in case its not clear being a "main ting" is not an accomplishment.. When you become the ONLY ting then start bragging.

#tobecontinued